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Sometimes I get stuck on a small issue while working on a project and I can't move on until it gets solved. This process generally involves a few hours of drinking heavily and yelling at my computer while I try to figure out what the fuck is going wrong, followed by several hours of drinking heavily and yelling at my computer when I figure out that the solution was mind-numbingly simple and that I must be retarded for not figuring it out sooner.
This particular example involves using dynamic text and a layer mask, something I've never had to do before in flash but is pretty simple in theory. The application takes in some text from an XML file and
uses a layer mask to make a fancy ass animated text effect. This works in theory and with static text, yet when I add the layer mask to dynamic text, the text does not appear, ever. Of course I didn't figure out that it was the mask causing the problem in the first place, so I spent a while working on that. Furthermore, when I found out that is was, in face, the mask causing the problem, it STILL didn't work when I removed the mask layer from the movie clip and exported it again.
A couple minutes online brought me to an article telling me that using dynamic text with a mask layer does not work, no matter what, and there's a perfectly good reason for it but we can't tell you and also fuck you for not knowing dumbass. And of course there's a retardedly easy way around it; instead of using a mask layer, make a movieclip you want to use as the mask and the setMask function:
This does the same thing without requiring a mask layer or fucking up the text box (this works in AS2, not sure how it's done in AS3 but the application is in AS2 so whatever) and is incredibly easy to implement. Of course now I have to remake the object and reanimate it to accommodate the function, and I've wasted a ton of time getting this far.
The thing is, I'm doing this as part of a freelance job so it takes priority over things I'd rather be doing (like, say, working on our next animation), so when little things like this prolong the job, it's just infuriating.
TL;DR: GODDAMN FLASH! NIRAJ ANGRY AND SOMEWHAT TIPSY!
In other news, I FINALLY saw Robocop. It is awesome and I feel deprived for not having seen it earlier. And yet I've seen Demolition Man more times than I care to admit.
In other other news, I love hoppy beer so I often pick up IPAs. Recently I stumbled across Ruination IPA from Stone Brewing. One of the things I love about Stone is that the labels on their bottles call you a stupid fag bitch pussy if you don't like them, or if you do or whatever shut up fuck you. Also, their beer is fucking delicious. So for shits and giggles I sent them this email:
Dear Stone Brewing Company,
I wish to register a complaint with your Ruination IPA. I recently purchased and consumed a bottle fully expecting it to ruin me. While it was incredibly delicious, it completely failed. Rather than make me sloppy and inarticulate as I had hoped, it instead made me charming and eloquent, as evidenced by the four (non-fake) phone numbers I received from women that night. Would this have been possible if I were, in fact, ruined? Absolutely not. I believe this is a BLATANT case of false advertising. As recourse, I am requesting a case of Ruination IPA, which I will consume until I am, in fact, ruinated, as I had been promised. Also a T-Shirt.
Although I fully support your company, I see this as a slap in the face to annoying drunks worldwide. I hope you see fit to correct this oversight and ruin me as you had promised. Thank you for your time.
I wasn't really expecting anything, but they were cool enough to get back to me with this:
First of all, please allow me to congratulate you on your extraordinary powers of animal magnetism. As much as we would like to claim credit for making you irresistibly charming to fellow bar patrons, we must give commendations where they are due. It's all you, pal. Which is not to say that Stone Ruination IPA was absent from the equation that night. Certainly not. In fact, I've received numerous letters from fans in recent months claiming to have had, shall we say unusually fulfilling "social interactions" after imbibing our brews. I would suggest that this is due to the inordinate amount of hops with which we brew our beers, including Stone Ruination IPA. Historically, hops have been used for a variety of pharmacological applications, among them, as a relaxant and aphrodisiac. These effects were noted by the anti-fun loving 12th century nun, Hildegard of Bingen, and gave her serious concern over the use of hops in beer. And no wonder. Your charismatic aura that evening is proof positive of their power. It should therefore come as no surprise that the Roman naturalist Pliny the Elder christened the hop plant (Humulus lupulus) "wolf among the weeds" nearly 2,000 years ago.
But I digress. Now, let's take a look at your allegation regarding "false advertising". You will note, upon close re-examination of the Stone Ruination IPA bottle label, that the intended effect is not one of "sloppy and inarticulate" foolishness. Rather, the brew is promised to wreak its "ruinous effect" upon one's palate, not his or her social skills. Further, once so ruined, it is likely that the drinker will never again settle for a lesser beer. It was perhaps this enlightened state of raised standards that also impressed the ladies that night. Therefore, Niraj, if you are indeed actually disappointed that you did not find yourself sloshing about unintelligibly like a lobotomized chimp that evening, we apologize for not meeting your expectations. You must understand however, that no such guarantee is made by Stone Brewing Co. We leave that to the folks cranking out 18 packs of lite beer and the makers of fortified wines.
I would suggest that, given your success with the opposite sex that evening, you have been already adequately compensated for your dashed expectations of blathering idiocy. However, if you are still interested in acquiring more beer and shwag, you are more than welcome to visit us at the brewery at your earliest convenience (http://www.stonebrew.com/visit/). We look forward to seeing you soon. Cheers!
Yours in Arrogance,
Well, I laughed.
Those Lousy Goats!
ps Be my MySpace Comedy friend! Or not. Whatever.
I saw a commercial today for freecreditreport.com. In it, a guy was singing about how he married his girlfriend, but then it turned out she had bad credit. So now they have to live in her parents basement while they try to pay off the credit card companies. And then he laments that if only had checked freecreditreport.com, he would have known, and then he'd be "A happy bachelor with a dog and a yard." So basically, freecreditreport.com wants you to spy on your girlfriend credit rating, and dump her if it's too low.
FreeCreditReport.com: Judge people based on their finances. Always!
Torgo Loves Gifts
I am Peggy. I got herpes during the Thanksgiving break. So my face looks not good. I am afraid infecting you and others that is why I can not go to school. I am so sad that I will miss the Career Day. I am sorry for absence.
This idea has been simmering in the collective thoughts of the TLG crew for some time now, and last night was our first opportunity to test out our patented, sure-fire-kill-you-dead drinking game for "The Wicker Man".
Most importantly, you need a copy of the 2006 version of The Wicker Man, starring today's hottest bad-movie beacon, Nicolas Cage. You can play with either the theatrical version or the director's cut, the latter of which being the recommended simply because the movie's concluding ten minutes consists of almost continuous drinking.
We split the rules into two different games based on skill level. Be warned: you may be required to drink more than a twelve-pack, so choose your alcohol of choice wisely. A near-beer will be suitable to get terribly shitfaced in the span of ninety minutes.
THE WICKER MAN DRINKING GAME
Take a drink every time the following happens:
1. Nic Cage pops pills.
2. Nic Cage strikes anything with intent to damage (this includes people also).
3. Willow (the wife) fails to complete a sentence.
These rules are entirely subjective, so the easiest way to determine when to take a drink is by group concensus.
1. Nic Cage raises his voice.
2. Nic Cage makes an unreasonable demand.
3. Nic Cage fails at anything. (There are scenes where all three of these will occur at once)
BONUS! Also include novice rules.
FUN ADDITIONAL RULES!
Feel free to add these into your game, they happen quite frequently throughout the movie.
- Anything gets hit by a truck.
- Nic Cage stares at anything of little to no importance.
- Nic Cage fails to make a reaction.
- Anytime someone says any variation of the word "burn".
Totally Luminescent Gauchos
I'm stoked to think that someone thinks that TLG Media has talent, let alone enough to want to feature it. On top of that, it's Just For Laughs, Canadas BIGGEST comedy festival. Plus, being considered on a level close to College University or Wogoat is an accomplishment in and of itself. Hell yeah!
Tom Likes Guys
P.S. YouTube LOL
I tend to hear about ridiculous shit in groups. The day that I heard about "Elf Bowling: The Movie" was the same day I heard about bulletproof backpacks. For some reason, clicking through a couple layers of related links brought me to the YouTube trailer for this cinematic gem. Watch it. Go ahead.
So I checked up some reviews on Amazon, and found a few surprising votes of confidence. Here's an excerpt from the first one:
"I'll just say it-- Elf Bowling The Movie is the weirdest Christmas flick since Santa Clause vs. The Martians. And that's saying a lot. On one hand, this is a low budget CG movie actually based on a computer game (!), and on the other hand it presents the most bizarrely cool and unexpected backstory about Santa ever-- that in ancient times he was a ruthless pirate, a bum who specialized in STEALING toys from children.
Two thumbs up for what must surely be the weirdest Christmas movie in the history of film. Collectors of movie weirdness and film oddities should enjoy this one. When I saw the title I never thought I'd say this-- but I actually hope these weirdo animators make a sequel."
Like a Christmas Ninja! Santa? A pirate? How kooky is that?! A second reviewer chimes in:
"Here's one you haven't heard: The rascally pirate Santa Claus finds himself in a land of elves, who need help distributing billions of gifts to worthy children. In return, they let Santa bowl them over like 10 pins. But Santa's nefarious half-brother, Dingle, aims to disrupt the holidays by kidnapping--elf-napping?--Santa's helpers. The CGI efforts in this $6.5 million production are far superior to what you would expect at this budget.
The zaniness is effectively tied into wildly popular online videogame Elf Bowling, which has had more than 800 million downloads in seven years. The movie's story and music are amusing and original and add to the entertaining experience. The presence of Santa, a pair of zany penguins and the voices of Tom Kenny (SpongeBob SquarePants) and Joe Alaskey (Rugrats)make this a must see movie. Holiday specialty sections will be the place to show off the eye-catching box art of Santa, elves and penguins among a colorful amalgam of candy canes and mistletoe."
Note that this review uses the word 'zany' twice, and the word 'rascally' more than never, which is too much. Also, did he just admit that Santa has an arrangement with elves to satiate a creepy bowling fetish? What the fuck? This chapter is all capped off with one final review.
"Before you shell out your hard earned cash for this turkey, you should know that the two reviews prior to this one, were written by (1) the producer, and (2) the writer. Hardly objective.
My review is no less tainted because I was involved in the original production. The best thing that came out of all this was that my name was omitted from the credits. Something I was going to demand, if the producers hadn't done it for me.
The project was hijacked from the original studio and the entire production was finished in Korea. The producers did this because they could make more money by doing so.
They also cheated everyone involved with the original production and now they have written bogus reviews to try and cheat you.
The picture is mediocre at best. The production is marginal, and the picture itself lacks any originalitly, charm, or soul.
Don't say I didn't warn you."
If I've learned nothing else from this, it's that you can never, ever, under any circumstances, trust someone who uses the word 'zany' in conversation. Look out for a review in Part II to this post in the coming weeks when this movie Netflixes its way to my dormitory. Until then, stay awesome!
The Liquid Gases
Check out the full reviews here.
The newest episode of South Park has a character called The Lollipop King. However, we put out an animation way back in February called Bachelor Party Yay! that also had a character called The Lollipop King who is somewhat similar in appearance. So the question is: DID SOUTH PARK RIP OFF TLG MEDIA?
My common sense says "No, anybody could come up with a 'lollipop king'" but my ego says "Those motherfuckers ripped us off! Fucking Motherfuckers!"
Anyways, ours is way better because he's insane and voiced by Tom Fulp.
Transgenders, Lesbians and Gays
4:17 PM Chris: I hate Walt Whitman
4:18 PM Niraj: lots of people hate Walt Whitman
Niraj: that's why he's such a good poet
4:19 PM Niraj: nobody actually LIKES poets
Niraj: why do you think people hate TLG so much?
4:20 PM Chris: because we wrote "Leaves of Grass"?
Niraj: because people fail to see the deeper meaning in "Charlie's Bad News"
4:21 PM Niraj: more than anything it's a meditation on the breakdown of communication between generations
4:23 PM Niraj: to judge it solely on the fart joke cheapens it, exactly in the same way that judging Michelangelo's David based solely on the fact that you can see his wang degrades the piece as a work of art
Niraj: which is why we're fucking art and everyone else is stupid
Niraj: and that's why people hate us
Taco Lettuce Guacamole
...is a fucking amazing book. I know there's a lot of talk about Comic-Con going on, and since it's written by Warren Ellis I guess it's relevant. I'm told Ellis is a comic mastermind, and after reading this book I don't doubt it. It's hilarious, disgusting, poignant, and brilliant all at once.
The book follows Mike McGill, a private investigator and self-proclaimed shit magnet, who's hired by the Presidents herion and monkey-shit injecting Chief of Staff to find the Second Constitution. Along the way, he's joined by Trix, a fetish obsessed woman doing a thesis on the disturbing fetish subcultures of America. On their adventure, they run into a group of Godzilla-philes, have a friendly chat with a serial killer, and meet some rich-as-hell coke-fiend oil baron freaks in Texas (wink wink nudge nudge), among other things.
Sit back and take that all in for a second. Fucked up, right? This book is like that from beginning to end; it starts out knee-deep in shit and never lets up. McGill plays straight-man to a nation of weirdos and perverts of all forms. One of the best parts of the book happens in Las Vegas when McGill and Trix stay in a hotel shaped like Jesus dressed as Uncle Sam. That seems ludicrously religious and patriotic, and yet after seeing Jesus Camp it makes perfect sense.
That's the thing that gets to be about this book: All of the horrible crap Ellis describes is very real and readily available. Every time you hear a story about a major political figure with a history of drug abuse (wink nudge), or a famous public figure caught in a sex scandal. This isn't just a small faction of freaks leaking into the mainstream, it IS the mainstream. Think about all the disgusting fetish sites you've ever heard about. Hell, think about all the hentai flash we have on Newgrounds. Makes sense, right?
Of course, there's a lot more to the book than things you can stick your dick into. There's reflection on human nature, discourse about mass communication, and a giant mutant rat. It's more dialogue driven than anything, and at 275 pages it's a very short read, so you can easliy finish it off in a day. I kind of suck at writing book reviews, but trust me, Crooked Little Vein kicks ass. Fucking read it. And read Cats Cradle too.
On the TLG arbitrary rating system, this book gets 12 apples carved to look like ex-presidents.
Thanks Larry Gomez!
ps I swear we'll have a new animation some time this month. We've been wicked busy lately but we're trying to get shit done.